[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
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Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
the dark web is just a goth google.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.