@jimmy_sharpe

Ever accidentally say ‘I love you’ to important business customers on the phone? Me too. I MEAN ME NEITHER.

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@ericsshadow

[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*

@TheMichaelRock

Me: We didn’t even have cell phones or the internet when I was your age.

6yo: Did you have bikes?

Me….nope, we rode horses.

6yo: WOOOOW

@ArfMeasures

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

@AddledPixie

“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.

@MrEd_EVH

Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40

@aeharder

The efficient part about falling asleep on the toilet at work is that inevitably someone who had beans for lunch will come and wake you.