[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Ever accidentally say ‘I love you’ to important business customers on the phone? Me too. I MEAN ME NEITHER.
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Me: We didn’t even have cell phones or the internet when I was your age.
6yo: Did you have bikes?
Me….nope, we rode horses.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
The efficient part about falling asleep on the toilet at work is that inevitably someone who had beans for lunch will come and wake you.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.