Ever accidentally say ‘I love you’ to important business customers on the phone? Me too. I MEAN ME NEITHER.

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[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*


Me: We didn’t even have cell phones or the internet when I was your age.

6yo: Did you have bikes?

Me….nope, we rode horses.



ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon


“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.


Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40


The efficient part about falling asleep on the toilet at work is that inevitably someone who had beans for lunch will come and wake you.