Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
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“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Can Happiness buy money?
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads