Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?

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*runs into restaurant*
“I’m a doctor”
Nice. Nice. Can you buy me dinner I’m very poor


Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.


To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me


[blind date]

HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets

ME: Oh wow, me too!

HER: Really?

ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?


Some days it’s little things, the tone of his voice or his words when we’re alone, that help me realize I’d rather have the insurance money.


me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally


suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”


Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.


BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.

People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.


The ugly duckling grew up to be a beautiful swan. A beautiful, self-conscious, mentally unstable, overmedicated, antisocial swan.