Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
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airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?