Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
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Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!