[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
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*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
My blood type is coffee.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*