Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Ever been so completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some?
Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
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Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Your an idiot.
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
I say: “No, sorry. I’m not on Facebook at all.”
They hear: “I live amongst hill people where The Goat we worship has forbidden friendship.”
Christmas is over, all of the guests have gone home. NO PANTS.
5 year old daughter: We watched the President today at school.
Me: You did? Do you know the President’s name?
Daughter: Lady Gaga
I’m wearing a shower curtain over my head and pretending to be a ghost. I probably look legit because everybody on this bus is avoiding me.