@caroline_umc

Ever been so completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some?

Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.

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@ArfMeasures

Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what

@iwearaonesie

Pro tip:

Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap

@fro_vo

[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*

@orange_rhymer

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

@PS_IRuddYou

This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…

@AndyAsAdjective

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

@hotdogsladies

I say: “No, sorry. I’m not on Facebook at all.”

They hear: “I live amongst hill people where The Goat we worship has forbidden friendship.”

@BunkiePerkins

5 year old daughter: We watched the President today at school.

Me: You did? Do you know the President’s name?

Daughter: Lady Gaga

Me: Yep

@iRowlf

I’m wearing a shower curtain over my head and pretending to be a ghost. I probably look legit because everybody on this bus is avoiding me.