Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
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“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
In a perfect world anyone that said they, “literally died,” would drop dead on the spot.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
No. Still the wrong hole.
Only ONE in each hole!
Ugh. Here! I’ll show you.
-Helping my kid put on a swimsuit.
North and South