Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
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Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Inside you there are two wolves