Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
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These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
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I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.