Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
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I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.