My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
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Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
What is going on? 😅
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it