Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.

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Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: You thought I was black?

Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir


WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies


Wife: ok, you have free reign to decide on all household decisions today…

Me: *too shocked to move or decide anything…*


“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”

– Kids


I’m “the cord popped out of the phone cause I tried to stretch it from the kitchen to my room” years old


I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.


If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.


Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.


The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.