Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
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WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Wife: ok, you have free reign to decide on all household decisions today…
Me: *too shocked to move or decide anything…*
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
I’m “the cord popped out of the phone cause I tried to stretch it from the kitchen to my room” years old
Your body is a temple. Congrats on the expanding congregation!
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.