Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
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A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I’ve had worse
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
😂💯
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *