Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
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The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
whatcha thinkin bout
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.