WIFE: Here, be careful. Lift with your knees
ME: My knees don’t have hands, how am I supposed to do that
WIFE: I don’t understand how you have a doctorate
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
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My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD and it told me I have Gary Busey.