Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
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Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
My dream job is getting paid to dream
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes