Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

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I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving


On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.


Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.


Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos


It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning


Dance like nobody’s watching. Paint like your girlfriend doesn’t text you too much. Sing like you didn’t struggle with algebra in 9th grade.


Before you do that- think, Would an idiot do that?
Then, don’t do that.


I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, “Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas.”


ME: Please don’t make me do this.

WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.

ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?


ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?