Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
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*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not