Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
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Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left