Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
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When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
adam and eve had first world problems
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
That’s incredible! 👌
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD