@JayUhOh

Ever have to pee so bad you let a pigeon watch your kids for a minute?

Ever have to pee so bad you let a pigeon watch your kids for a minute?

- @JayUhOh

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@KevinFarzad

Sick and tired of cooking videos assuming I have 40 perfect little bowls to put ingredients in. Grow up

@carlyken

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

@RandomlyMJ

My exes new girlfriend has been calling me looking for him for days. It got old. I gave in and sent her the map and shovel.

@THEINBREDCAT

Her: Do you have any kids?
Me: I have 2 step kids
Her: None of your own?
Me: no
Her: How come?
Me: facials
Her: I’m sorry what?
Me: What?

@E_lok44

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

@Maxine12333

Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.