Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
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I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
“How’s your day going?”
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
How to draw a duck
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.