Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
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a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*