Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

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ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?


there are naturally attractive people and then there are people like me who take pictures from good angles with the right lighting


Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.


“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”

“The ball kind?”

“No, for under my arms.”


So far, I’ve gotten away with passing as an adult again today.


Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die


Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.


There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”