@McNarstle

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

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@mishakey

My kid’s teacher told me my kid is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.

@mjkspeaks

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

@JohnHilsen

The number one piece of advice I could give to fish is to stay hydrated.

@girlnarly

[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.

@LosLos__

Interviewer: Vader says you aren’t the Jedi you used to be. What do you have to say to that?

Yoda: Ousside Dagobah, cash me.

@Prero22

Person: It’s not rocket science.

Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.

@dlicj

r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice

@Tommytoughstuff

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.