Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

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My kid’s teacher told me my kid is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.


God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.


The number one piece of advice I could give to fish is to stay hydrated.


[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.


Interviewer: Vader says you aren’t the Jedi you used to be. What do you have to say to that?

Yoda: Ousside Dagobah, cash me.


Person: It’s not rocket science.

Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.


I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice


That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.