@McNarstle

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

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@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

@defdanielle

there are naturally attractive people and then there are people like me who take pictures from good angles with the right lighting

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.

@BobGolen

“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”

“The ball kind?”

“No, for under my arms.”

@MisfitMuse

So far, I’ve gotten away with passing as an adult again today.

@dumbbeezie

Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die

@missteenussr

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.

@AntozWolf

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”