*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
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My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
her: can u put something on
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: it’s the whole episode
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Do not levitate over flowers
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete