Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
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Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.