Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.

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*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you


My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.


GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!

ME: It






[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK


What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?


[before sex]

her: can u put something on

me: sure

her: is that just the jeopardy theme song

me: no


me: it’s the whole episode


[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*


She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*


just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete