@CorkyKneivel
@sofarrsogud
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
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@sofarrsogud
@snow_van
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
@SwartyComedy
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
@PaperWash
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
@simoncholland
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
@fuzzlime
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
@stevevsninjas
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
@Reverend_Scott
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
@TheFearBoners
Forget the Home Alone parents forgetting their kid. Why the hell do they own a bunch of mannequins?
@evildadatron
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW