@CorkyKneivel
@GroovyTasia
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
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@GroovyTasia
@TheBeerGuy73
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
@Brampersandon_
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
@CornOnTheGoblin
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
@Skullcat
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
@perfectsweeties
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
@ehchino
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
@batkaren
Do not levitate over flowers
@sad_tree
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
@iamspacegirl
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete