@CorkyKneivel

Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.

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@sofarrsogud

WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!

@snow_van

Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit

@SwartyComedy

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.

@PaperWash

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

@simoncholland

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

@fuzzlime

It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets

@stevevsninjas

Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*

@Reverend_Scott

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

@TheFearBoners

Forget the Home Alone parents forgetting their kid. Why the hell do they own a bunch of mannequins?

@evildadatron

Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim

YOU DON’T KNOW