Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.

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i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime


My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.


For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.


I think Yahoo! news is written by someone who’s had significant head trauma.


Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.


ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME: Or you’ll what?


“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1

FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”


“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff