Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.

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WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*


Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit


They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.


So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?


I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.


It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets


Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*


Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac


Forget the Home Alone parents forgetting their kid. Why the hell do they own a bunch of mannequins?


Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim