Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
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WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.