Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
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I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Admin smashed it 😂
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.