@seandunn76

Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.

You Might Also Like

@JJSummertime

Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.

@samfromks

My wife and I have been dieting together for a week so it’d probably be safer for me to come home smelling like perfume than a Snickers bar.

@TheCatWhisprer

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

@ramenfuneral

that awkward moment when you stub your toe and accidentally summon the spirits of a thousand dead feet while you yell and curse

@EmberToAsh

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

@FlyJ_

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

@AsgardianRose

No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.

@novicefather

Pour your beer in a coffee cup because sometimes walking around with a beer during breakfast is frowned upon.

@mommajessiec

Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*

Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*

Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*

Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.

Also kids: ALREADY?!?