Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
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Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.