CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
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My wife and I have been dieting together for a week so it’d probably be safer for me to come home smelling like perfume than a Snickers bar.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
that awkward moment when you stub your toe and accidentally summon the spirits of a thousand dead feet while you yell and curse
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Pour your beer in a coffee cup because sometimes walking around with a beer during breakfast is frowned upon.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?