Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
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I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
HERE’S MARKY
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School