Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
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Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now