Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
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[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?