Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
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[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.