Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
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cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.