Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
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Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.