THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark
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MY DENTIST ASKED HIS ASSISTANT TO SUCTION (THE WATER OUT OF MY MOUTH)BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS TALKING TO ME SO I SUCKED HIS FINGER. IM MORTIFIED
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
SATAN: welcome to hell
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Fiber Monday is a great idea…
but is once a year often enough ?
Oh….it’s Cyber Monday ?
I cross-bred an octopus and a panda. Let me know if you’re interested in a pretty amazing hug.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Me: do that but the opposite
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.