@FadeAway2

Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team

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@YourMomsucksTho

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

@_davidlucas_

Leviticus 20:13 legalises gay marriage and marijuana:

“If a man lays with another man he should be stoned”.

@rolldiggity

Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for “Race,” I add a question mark and then write, “Anytime. Anywhere.”

@TySmithdrums

I bought a spray bottle to break my girlfriend of looking at her phone when I’m speaking. I hide it after use so she doesn’t know who did it

@daemonic3

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

@shariv67

The developers of Apple Maps first big mistake was not calling it Mapples.

@FrizerkaSandra

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.

@heyitsJudeD

*3yo’s birthday*

Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?

3yo: ok *blows hard*

Me: great job

3yo: great blow job

Me:

3yo: ?

Me: …. just eat the cake

@ozzyunc

My great-grandmother lived to 101. Her six children are all alive & have each outlived a spouse. The secret to a long life is not enjoying it.

@dlicj

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos