If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
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Leviticus 20:13 legalises gay marriage and marijuana:
“If a man lays with another man he should be stoned”.
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for “Race,” I add a question mark and then write, “Anytime. Anywhere.”
I bought a spray bottle to break my girlfriend of looking at her phone when I’m speaking. I hide it after use so she doesn’t know who did it
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
The developers of Apple Maps first big mistake was not calling it Mapples.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me: …. just eat the cake
My great-grandmother lived to 101. Her six children are all alive & have each outlived a spouse. The secret to a long life is not enjoying it.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos