Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
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[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Just why bro?!
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.