I wish chlamydia was as hard to get as it is to spell.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
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Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
My gf asked if I liked her more than I like chicken, and all I could say was “well I have known chicken longer…”
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Relationship status: outside my wife’s window, holding John Cusack over my head.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.