Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

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Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.


I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.


My gf asked if I liked her more than I like chicken, and all I could say was “well I have known chicken longer…”


Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.


[Boiling in a pot]

Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!

Girl lobster: I’m cold


Relationship status: outside my wife’s window, holding John Cusack over my head.


Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!

Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?

Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…


Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.