Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
You Might Also Like
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed