“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
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It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
United Steaks of America
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”