@turkeyheadmac

Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don’t apply the brakes

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@alexlumaga

Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants

@timdonakowski

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

@DrakeGatsby

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?

@WhirledRecord

USA: “Hey, Canada, can you hold this for a second?”
Canada: “OK.”
*USA hands Detroit to Canada*
*USA quickly walks away.*

@farleftcoast

I should really stop getting stoned before I shower. I think I just washed my hair 16 times.

@clichedout

me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is

her: ur welcome

me: it really means a lot

@NewDadNotes

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

@ThaJawn

David Attenborough: She looked lovely as she sat down to dine

Her: Are you narrating this date?

David: It was the only thing he knew to do