Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

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In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.


At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.


If your ex is dropping subtle hints drop bigger hints.
Like a toaster in a bathtub.


I’m an ‘adult’, so why do I dance a little and look around nervously when I find a $20 bill in my jeans I didn’t know was there…


Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.


Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.


If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.


Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.