@Tmoney68

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

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@AnOrangeSNES

In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.

@HeyZeus666

At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.

@WhoCuppedMyCake

If your ex is dropping subtle hints drop bigger hints.
Like a toaster in a bathtub.

@Papa_Mex

I’m an ‘adult’, so why do I dance a little and look around nervously when I find a $20 bill in my jeans I didn’t know was there…

@1_swarthy_dude

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

@AngryRaccoon2

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

@deegeemindi

If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.

@BillDixonish

Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.