Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
You Might Also Like
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)