@Marcmywords2

Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.

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@SardonicTart

“Why am I so thirsty?”

*Flashback to me eating half a ham*

“Oh, right”

@MarfSalvador

date: I like it when guys know what they want in life

me: *megaphone right in her face* ham

@Miz_Mental_Case

We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.

But I’m the one that needs meds?

@jakob_huber

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

@alfageeek

Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.

@bornmiserable

a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”

@junejuly12

Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies

@robdelaney

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

@MeetingBoy

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

@ArfMeasures

[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*

HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*

ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*