got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
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Isn’t
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Möther may I have a snäck
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation