Ever show ur mum a tweet that u find funny and instead of laughing she just asks ‘who’s that?’ Like I don’t know but that’s not the point

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If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.


For the past 2 nights my stomach sounds like cat purring when I lay down. I’m terrified to Web MD this. I’m too young to have kittens.


*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me


When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.


Arm wrestling is for guys who like to hold hands with other guys while staring into their eyes.


“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server


I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks


Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.


lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news

me: ok what’s the good news

lab assistant: you got an a on your test

me: ok…and?

lab assistant: it’s hepatitis


God: you’re a unicorn.

Unicorn: lmao corn?

God: horn. unihorn. sorry I don’t know why I said corn.

Unicorn: omg God said I’m a unicorn!


Unicorn: hello i’m one corn the horse nice to meet you rotfl.

God: [whispers] cancelled.