Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.

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Must spend less time with my dogs. Haven’t bitten the mailman yet but I am starting to circle three times before sitting down.


Hi, I’m here to see the doctor. -me

Witch doctor? -reception

Nooo…I think he’s Jewish. -me

[blank stare]

Please sit down.


Guys are probably not very good at Yoga, mainly because every move for them would be called ” The uncomfortable Sausage”


MAMA BEAR: Someones been sleeping in MY bed
PAPA BEAR: Someones been sleeping in MY bed
PAPA ROACH: Someones been cutting MY life to pieces


Why does my wife always wait until I’m at the opposite end of the house before asking me to ‘Merm frner mernferr brnerfer!’?


Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…

Boyfriend: I’m gay.


Having kids is like being at a press conference: “No, you can’t put the dog in the washer – next question.” “No, you can’t really fly -next”


Me: (Sigh) There she is.

Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.

Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!