Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
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[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine