Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
You Might Also Like
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.