@SteveDutzy
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
@IntergalacticQ
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
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@SteveDutzy
@ermahgarton
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
@panmidwest
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
@weinerdog4life
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
@MableGertrude
It’s funny how you become mom’s new favorite when your sibling is in jail.
@ThugRaccoons
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
@MizzusT
Yeah, but can your 25 year old girlfriend do this? *falls asleep standing up*
@sickipediabot
My dad put a lot of pressure on me as a child. He used to say stuff like,
“You’re five years old? When I was your age, I was six”
@Tommytoughstuff
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
@jonnysun
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume