@IntergalacticQ

Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat

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@SteveDutzy

Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s

@ermahgarton

bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit

@panmidwest

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

@weinerdog4life

I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.

@MableGertrude

It’s funny how you become mom’s new favorite when your sibling is in jail.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.

Me: Mmm hmmm

Wife: Are you even listening to me?

Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.

@MizzusT

Yeah, but can your 25 year old girlfriend do this? *falls asleep standing up*

@sickipediabot

My dad put a lot of pressure on me as a child. He used to say stuff like,

“You’re five years old? When I was your age, I was six”

@Tommytoughstuff

ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!

KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

@jonnysun

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume