Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
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Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Me: “I’d like to withdraw 3 sausages and a packet of peanuts please.”
Man: “That isn’t how a food bank works, sir.”
I’m so fancy, I pronounce the “H” in “WHISKEY”
*every single one of you just said that word out loud when you read this
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
[open casket funeral]
woman (wailing): HE WAS A GOOD OPEN CASKET
one time my boss said “salad, as a food, sucks” and this other guy was like “as opposed to like, salad as a shirt?” and that guy lost his job a few weeks later
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”