Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat

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Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*


Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women


Me: “I’d like to withdraw 3 sausages and a packet of peanuts please.”

Man: “That isn’t how a food bank works, sir.”


I’m so fancy, I pronounce the “H” in “WHISKEY”

*every single one of you just said that word out loud when you read this


*Boyfriend gets in bed*

Him: Wanna fool around?

Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*


Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*


[open casket funeral]

woman (wailing): HE WAS A GOOD OPEN CASKET


one time my boss said “salad, as a food, sucks” and this other guy was like “as opposed to like, salad as a shirt?” and that guy lost his job a few weeks later