Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
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FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
This guy gets it.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!