Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
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Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.