@sophielou

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

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@warmyellowlight

former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.

@BadaBinge

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

@neptunemoons

“Mom! Mom! Hold this cockroach while I grab the lizard!”

–Things I honestly never imagined I’d hear as a parent

@brunopieroni

I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.

@Skoogeth

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

@Brampersandon_

ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask

@AndrewNadeau0

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

@Nurse_K_

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.