Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
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Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that