@wolfpupy

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about

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@bacon_gillepic

You said clothes were 50% off

But not one woman in here is topless

That false advertising!

@treydayway

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.

@molly7anne

Imagine going to the gym and thereโ€™s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

@Skoogeth

Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.

Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?

@SteveSuckington

1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby

2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us

@lmegordon

My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.

@simonblackwell

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.