ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
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people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Finally!
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?