Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
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This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Attacked by a mop.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.