ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
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Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
an octopus is just a wet spider
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge